Feeling

Somewhere down the road we stopped being very good at doing the thing that will probably end up being the most important aspect of our future survival both individually and as a species.

We stopped or perhaps I should say started to stop feeling. Don't get me wrong. There were LOTS of reasons for why this happened and before anyone gets on their high horse let me just say that NO one was to blame for this now near epidemic avoidance of everything from conflict to ecstasy, cognitive dissonance to abject joy. Our current lifestyles are anti-feeling. We eat a very bland, same taste diet when in fact our palates are anatomically built and neurologically connected to much more. Some of those tastes - like high fructose corn syrup - are so over engineered that they bypass our taste system and trick our brain into all sorts of complex nonsense. We bombard out bodies and our homes with toxins of all sorts from window cleaner to fake strawberry flavour. We scent our homes with fake smells.

Our right brain which is built to sense, to feel and to make intuitive, non rational judgements, in addition to needing less of the above, also requires much more freedom, liberated, non linear wandering and arts programmes. It needs to see things that aren't in rows, with neat menus and click to buy buttons. It needs something more than fifteen shades of beige. Our right brain is not commercial. It can't be scaled, taken over in a leveraged buy out or sold to the highest bidder. But it can be shut down. And as well as high fructose corn syrup, pine fragrance and plastic, what really keeps our right brain from getting in the flow is fear.

Hmmm. doesn't that sound familiar.

Its not surprising that we will go down in history as the civilisation of feeling avoiders. (and this is not an excuse) but somewhere down the line it just all got too much. Too many bombs, and mass murders and taking off most of our clothes just to fly to Dulles. I've tried feeling in that long line of belt removers and those two or three people that only recently worked out that a 1000 ml bottle of body lotion (full of fake fragrance and parabens no doubt) is, sorry, no longer allowed.

So for the past two weeks I've been doing an experiment. I decided that it was time to just feel. Things were going well when I made this rash decision. The sky was blue, the sun was hot and the breeze was gently blowing over the rice fields. I was kind to dogs and children. There had been no major bombings. All was well in the world.

And then suddenly, just as I was going to declare the experiment an outright success and quite out of blue, feeling struck. We were trying to make an important decision to move forward in a certain direction. It was an intuitive move but I had done lots of research. It was certainly a plausible direction.

At first it was just a slightly sleepy, nauseous feeling which I ignored. But then it slowly overcame me. The clouds blew in. A slight drizzle began. My dog started smelling a little wierd. Eventually I could no longer work. The momentum and drive of our big decision came crashing down.

I recognised this place. I stopped. After many years of not stopping. pushing through. going around. or just breaking something I finally just stopped. This in itself was some kind of crazy. But I did it. Painfully, I might add. I put everything on hold and sat down and waited to see what was going to happen next.

But the bad feeling didn't stop. Soon my dear husband became embroiled in the messy waiting marathon. I had no idea where it was coming from. What it was about. Was my decision wrong? Was it right and I was just unable to shoot? Where was it coming from. Where was it going? And worst of all ....who was going to win? Me or it?

I knew it was waiting. The feeling that is. It was waiting for me to do something. And the thing that it was waiting for me to do was to pass on this negative energy to someone else. Or to myself. All this inertia, and schlump and confusion would be gone in an instant. I could just make a hasty decision. Speak insensitively to someone. Eat a brownie. Or move to another country. To make it go away I had to give it life, acknowledge it and energise its presence. It was tempting.

But no. Just this once and for the sake of my failed career as a social scientist, I kept waiting. Eventually, I couldn't work or frankly do anything. Many difficult situations arose. My toxic state was attracting all manner of conflict and prejudice. Little things began to irritate me. I was experiencing a personality change, perhaps a spiritual lobotomy? How long would this go on?

I sewed. I made soup. I wandered around aimlessly and took a few long drives in the car. I gave out some serious hugs and took the dogs for a walk.

TWO WEEKS PASSED. Painfully.

Before I was finally pleased to announce.... the bad feeling finally picked up its ugly brown briefcase and left town. Yup. After what seemed like the stalk of the century it just rather uneventfully turned around and went away. And it took ALOT of baggage with it.

To celebrate I cleaned the house and threw out some other stuff I didn't need. And as my mind cleared my confused strategy unconfused itself and was waiting for me on my return.

My two week adventure into the caves of illusion were just that. but nevertheless highly recommended. bon voyage.